When Guilt and Gratitude Collide: Healing the Good Child Syndrome

Many South Asian children growing up in immigrant families struggle to break free from “good child syndrome” in adulthood. While this challenge does not affect all South Asian young adults, nor is it exclusive to this community, the pressures of growing up in an immigrant family can contribute to good child syndrome.

What Is Good Child Syndrome?

When children are taught to be “good” for their parents above all else and avoid upsetting other people, it can lead to perfectionist tendencies, people-pleasing, fear of failure, shyness, and low self-esteem. For those growing up in South Asian communities, it can feel like failure is not an option simply due to how much older generations invested in the success of their children.

You can let go of guilt and good child syndrome while cultivating healthier relationships with your family and feeling grateful for your upbringing. These tips will help you carve out your own path.

Get in Touch With Your Authentic Self

Perhaps you felt like you had to follow a specific career path or check off traditional markers of success in order to be “good.” The idea of taking a risk on an unorthodox goal might have seemed unthinkable.

In adulthood, you can reflect on pursuits that give you a true sense of purpose. Maybe it’s time to open up more space in your life for creative hobbies, make a career change, or commit to other lifestyle changes. Learning what you actually like can give you a sense of individuation. This empowers you to make decisions on your own without worrying about what’s “right” for others.

Practice Setting Small Boundaries

When you’re the good child, you might feel like you have no right to set boundaries. You may worry that saying “No” will upset someone else, and as a result, you feel guilty.

Practicing setting small boundaries can help you get comfortable protecting your time and energy. At first, saying “No” or advocating for yourself might feel nerve-wracking. But over time, you’ll begin to feel at ease when it comes to upholding your boundaries.

Allow Yourself to Rest

Perhaps you’ve been pushing yourself intensely for years. Lots of people with good child syndrome have trouble winding down and relaxing.

Take a look at your schedule. What can you let go of or delegate? Which tasks can you ask for help with? Opening up time in your life to do nothing in particular can help you feel refreshed and energized in the long run.

Don’t Resist Difficult Emotions

Growing up, it might have seemed like you had to suppress your difficult or complicated emotions in order to be “good.” Now, you might hide your emotions or try to ignore feelings like anger and sadness. But this can lead to resentment, anxiety, and depression. Letting yourself feel these emotions and finding a healthy outlet, like writing in a journal or opening up to a close friend, can be very freeing.

Remember That Conflict Is Part of Life

Maybe you were taught that “good” children never engage in conflict or disappoint anyone. But conflict is a natural part of life, and disagreements and misunderstandings occur in even the healthiest relationships. Learning how to navigate conflicts while treating the other person with respect can prove to you that you do not need to be flawless to “earn” love. Forgiveness can make relationships stronger. When you’re able to disagree, you’re also able to show up authentically around your loved ones.

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Are you struggling to honor your authentic needs and move beyond being “the good child?” South Asian Therapy could be the support you need. Contact our culturally-responsive therapists to learn about how we support adult children of immigrants.