The Paradox of Grief: A Guide to Grieving When Others Don’t Understand

Grief is the intense emotional response to the pain of a loss (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2014, p. 170). This loss could be the death of a loved one, loss of a career, loss of identity, loss of health, or even something as innocuous as the loss of routine. Change, albeit exciting, can also bring about a sense of loss, be it graduation, moving to a new city or country, changing jobs, or having a family. Nevertheless, the loss of connection can translate into grief. 

Grief brings out the novice in us

For many of us, grieving is an alien feeling or experience. Regardless of the nature, frequency, or degree of loss, none of us become expert grievers. Because loss is painful and we are all novices, our first instinct is to avoid grief. After all, as the Dalai Lama said, we all want the same thing: to attain happiness and avoid suffering. By choice or compulsion, avoiding grief could show up as trying to be productive, burying ourselves in projects, or distracting ourselves with activities that numb us or disconnect us from the pain. 

Grief is scary

I want to tell you that this is okay. Grief is scary. Some days, the pain can be so overwhelming, it feels like a huge wave threatening to swallow and drown us. It can feel like baggage we are dragging everywhere. It can feel like a toothache or a sore shoulder or a gnawing pain draining our energy.

But the paradox of grief is that it is the very thing that could heal us. As with many difficult things in life, the only way through grief is by allowing ourselves to grieve the pain of a loss. Some days, grief could feel like a wave washing over us, but waves ebb and flow. We may never be able to rid ourselves of the baggage of grief, but we can choose when to carry it and when to put it down rather than lugging it around. We may never be able to cure the gnawing pain, but we can change how we relate to it. 

There is no prescription for grief

There is no right or wrong way of grieving, only what feels true for us. There is no matter too big or too small when it comes to grief; only things that matter to us. We may never become experts in grieving, but we can choose to honor our grief. We can choose to sit with it rather than run away from it. We can choose to let it swallow us even for a moment and discover how much resilience we have. 

What now?

You do not have to fix your grief. Allow it to exist. And yes, sometimes grieving can be too much to do on your own. The good news is that we have resources that could help give language to the loss you are experiencing. If you want to learn more about grief and make sense of your experience, click here to look at our grief counseling page. 

If you need someone to help hold your grief without judgment, deadlines, or expectations, our skilled therapists are ready to help. 

Schedule a 15-minute consultation with our client concierge to get matched with our therapists specialized in Grief and Loss.