Gottman Method: Strategies for De-escalating and Managing Conflict in Gottman
The Gottman Method: Strategies for De-escalating and Managing Conflict in Relationships
The Gottman Method of couples therapy has been developed based on over 40 years of research and clinical work by husband-and-wife couple, psychologists and researchers, John and Julie Gottman. The foundation of the Gottman Method is based on creating mutual understanding and positive regard within the relationship. One of Gottman’s primary principles is based on the “Sound Relationship House” Theory, which forms the foundation of successful relationships. Within the Sound Relationship House, the fifth level is Managing Conflict.
The Gottman Method specifically recognizes that even within successful relationships, there will inevitably be some unresolvable conflicts. With this principle in mind, the Gottman Method refers to a system of conflict management rather than conflict resolution. There are ways that successful couples approach conflict, even those that feel unresolvable, that allow them to maintain positive sentiment and feel heard and respected within these conversations. There are three main practices to managing conflict in the Sound Relationship House: 1) accept your partner’s influence, 2) dialogue about problems, 3) practice self soothing.
Accepting Your Partner's Influence
Accepting your partner’s influence looks like sharing power and decision making within the relationship. A few questions that you can ask yourself to determine how open you are to your partner’s influence are: Am I interested in my partner’s opinion on our basic issues? Do I learn from my partner when we disagree? Do I feel respectful of and respected by my partner, even when we disagree? Do I believe that my partner has good ideas and is a good problem solver? Can I find something to agree with in my partner’s opinions? If the answer is no to these questions, you may be having trouble accepting influence from your partner in your relationship.
Dialogue About Problems
It is inevitable that problems and disagreements will happen even throughout the happiest relationships. The ability to dialogue about problems, without falling into the negative communication patterns of the four-horsemen, will allow couples to strengthen within their differences, rather than fall apart. A few tips to increase effective dialogue about problems are:
Have a gentle and soft start up to conversations, avoid criticism
Learn to send a receive repair attempts
Soothe yourself and each other
Compromise
Address emotional injuries
Practice Self Soothing
In moments of conflict, in order to enact these other practices of having effective dialogue and remaining open to accepting your partner’s influence, it is essential to stay present and grounded in the discussion. Employing strategies such as having a “time-out” from conflict and creating opportunities for self-care and self-soothing allow couples to avoid flooding and overwhelming emotions in conflict that can also lead to disengagement or stonewalling. According to the Gottman’s research, taking 20 minutes away from a conflict or disagreement can allow for a couple to self-soothe and their physical responses to regulate, better enabling them to accept influence and dialogue effectively with their partner. Consider activities like exercise, reading a book or magazine, listening to music, or watching a show and be able to return to the discussion in a less elevated state.
If you feel that conflict with your partner has a tendency to be negative and create resentment and contempt within the relationship, you may benefit from working with a Gottman trained therapist who can help to identify negative communication patterns and implement healthier and positive practices. Conflict and differences are inevitable in any relationship; successful couples can even grow closer through their differences and repairs. If you are interested in learning more, please reach out to us here to schedule a consultation and learn more about how couples therapy can support your relationship.
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At Repose Therapy, our goal is to provide the best HOLISTIC PSYCHOTHERAPY services among other evidence-based therapy services to you. We enjoy working with college students, mothers, parents, couples, and individuals who are seeking better mental wellness in their life. If you’re struggling or trying to find a way to move forward, then our DIVERSE TEAM OF THERAPISTS would be thrilled to work with you. If grief counseling isn’t the service you’re seeking, no worries. We offer other services at our ONLINE THERAPY OFFICE IN NEW YORK, CONNECTICUT, AND NEW JERSEY. Other services include EMDR THERAPY, ANXIETY TREATMENT, PTSD TREATMENT, AND TRAUMA THERAPY, THERAPY FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS, MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH, MARRIAGE COUNSELING AND COUPLES THERAPY, THERAPY FOR TEENS, LGBTQIA+ THERAPY, ART THERAPY, DANCE MOVEMENT THERAPY.
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