Understanding Couples Conflict through the Gottman Method: Four Horsemen of Relationship Communication
The Gottman Method is an evidence based approach to couples therapy that enables couples to reduce verbal conflict, and increase intimacy, affection, and respect. It is founded by psychologists, and husband and wife team, Julie and John Gottman. The Gottmans have over 40 years of research and clinical practice with couples and their methodology is applicable to all types of couples across all phases of life and relationship stages. The foundation of the Gottman Method is based on creating mutual understanding and positive regard within the relationship.
The Gottman Method includes three distinct phases, the first of which is Assessment. The assessment process entails a conjoint session as well as individual sessions with each member of the couple. Traditionally the assessment phase also includes questionnaires completed by the couple and feedback from their therapist. During assessment, couples will be observed by their therapist working through a typical conflict within their relationship. One of the primary insights of the Gottman's 40 years of research and clinical practice with couples is that negative emotions are more impactful in harming a relationship than positive emotions are in repairing. Therefore, it is imperative for the success of a relationship to reduce negative communication patterns. Throughout the Assessment phase, your therapist will be looking for what the Gottmans refer to as the four-horsemen of relationship communication. This biblical metaphor refers to prediction of the end of times; within a relationship, these patterns of communication can be strong predictors of the end of a relationship.
Criticism
Criticism is often the first “horseman” to appear in relationship communication and can set the stage for the other patterns to emerge. There is a difference between having a complaint or critique of your partner and criticism which refers to a fundamental attack on your partner’s character. Whereas a complaint is situational “I feel frustrated and worried when you stay out late and forget to call me.”, a criticism is an attack of your partner’s core identity “You never call me because you are selfish and disrespectful and only thinking of yourself.” Criticism within a relationship leads the victim to feel hurt, rejected, and belittled and very often leads to criticism being reciprocated towards the other partner in response. As criticism increases in frequency and intensity, it can develop into the next horseman - contempt.
Contempt
Contempt evolves from feelings of moral superiority that develop within one partner over another. That is not to say that both partners can’t simultaneously feel contemptuous within the relationship. It often includes overarching negative sentiment and can look like ridicule, name calling, disrespect, and cruelty in the couples communication to each other. According to the Gottman’s research, of the four horsemen, contempt is the greatest predictor of the end of a relationship and can even lead to increased negative health outcomes, such as colds and flu, within the couple.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness in a relationship typically develops in response to criticism and contempt. It is a natural feeling to defend yourself when feeling stressed, attacked, and disrespected; however, defensiveness also includes shifting blame back to the other partner and causes conflict to escalate. Healthy conflict management includes acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective.
Stonewalling
Similarly, stonewalling develops in response to contempt and often looks like partners withdrawing from the relationship and from each other. Stonewalling can evolve as a defense when feeling constantly under attack within the relationship, and within conflict can be the result of emotional flooding or overwhelm. Stonewalling takes time to evolve as a defense to the other negative communication patterns, but can also indicate that partners are no longer invested in improving the relationship.
What if I notice the four horsemen in my relationship?
Identifying the presence of any of the four horsemen within your relationship is the first step in being able to replace them with more positive communication methods. If there is an overarching negative sentiment within your relationship or challenges with managing conflict, a Gottman Method trained therapist can help you to identify the presence of these communication patterns, The good news is that for each of these negative horsemen of communication, the Gottman’s have identified an anecdote, or solution. If you are noticing any of these negative communication patterns developing within your relationship, it does not mean that your relationship is hopeless or doomed to break up. A Gottman Method trained therapist can help you notice these communication patterns developing and learn how and when to implement their anecdotes. If you are interested in learning more or speaking with one of our Gottman trained clinicians, please click here to schedule a consultation.
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