Life After Infidelity: Healing the Wounds of Unfaithfulness
Partnership- a commitment to one another, whether through marriage, a civil union, or a long-term relationship. A partnership bound by love is one of life's greatest joys, to be witnessed through the eyes of another, to be cared for, and to be chosen every single day. But what happens when that partnership finds a rupture; when one partner has been unfaithful?
Infidelity can feel catastrophically devastating, accompanied by heartache, despair, and fear. Fear around whether repair is possible if trust and the foundation of one’s marriage can be rebuilt. These fears are normal, and to be expected. But they do not need to be absolute. When all partner(s) are committed to genuine healing, most marriages or partnerships survive and many even become stronger with deeper levels of intimacy and trust. Rupture often facilitates the deepest repair.
The initial finding of infidelity commonly results in a whole host of powerful emotions - this is accompanied by a deep sense of loss. The partner who was cheated on may feel deeply betrayed, while the other partner may feel immense guilt and as though they will be punished forever. It is important to slow down during this time, and not rush to make any decisions. Here are some things to consider:
Give each other ample space. The discovery of an affair is intense. You may find yourself being very reactive, or unlike yourself. Attempt to avoid having emotionally charged discussions in the beginning stages of your healing process.
Find support in others: It may help unburden you by sharing your feelings with others. Others who can encourage, support, and walk alongside you in your journey.
What Can Healing Look Like?
Recovering from something like this may feel like one of life's most challenging feats. You may experience uncertainty, defeat, and ambivalence about your commitment to seeing this repair through. However, the way forward is by rebuilding trust, prioritizing honesty and transparency, admitting guilt, and learning how to truly forgive.
Consider these steps to foster healing:
Don’t rush to a decision yet. Before choosing to either continue or end your relationship, take the time and space to heal and truly understand what motivated the unfaithfulness.
Hold yourself accountable. If you were the person in the relationship that was unfaithful, take full responsibility for your actions and end the affair/relationship/habit. Discontinue communication with the person you cheated on your partner with, especially in the early stages of your shared healing.
Consider getting professional help: Therapy allows for partners to take and share equal space in airing their thoughts. Seeking help from a licensed therapist can help you put the affair into perspective, identify issues that might have contributed to the affair, build accountability, facilitate reparative dialogue, and create mutual goals.
Prioritize rebuilding trust. Make a shared plan to restore and build trust. Agree on a process, once that has goals and objectives, so it is not an arbitrary vision. If you were unfaithful, admit fault and seek authentic forgiveness. If your partner was unfaithful, when you are ready, offer true forgiveness. Together, seek mutual understanding.
Life does not need to end when infidelity occurs. There is a life of love beyond infidelity if you truly work towards it. If you are your partner(s) are struggling, Repose can help. At Repose, we have couples specialists who can help you and your partner work through this truly delicate period of your relationship. Trained in evidence-based treatment approaches for couples, you can be assured that you will receive quality care when working with our therapists. Book a 15-minute consultation with our client concierge here if you are interested. Learn more about Marriage Counseling & Couples Therapy at Repose here.