Understanding & Navigating Through COVID’s Lingering Effects on Couples

It’s no secret that the 2020 lockdown of the COVID-19 pandemic  - and the risks we are still facing in 2021 - are continuing to strain couple and family systems. Relationship expert Esther Perel called the pandemic a “relationship accelerator,” indicating that it pushed people to execute decisions around moving, changing jobs, getting together, breaking up, getting married, or getting divorced.

We experienced massive shifts in our everyday realities in a short period of time: financial challenges abounded, domestic violence rates increased, and we longed for physical interaction with distant loved ones. We also experienced longer stretches of solitude, allowing us to reflect and initiate changes. The fear we felt - and in many ways are still feeling - is causing us to relate to and communicate with our partners and children differently - sometimes for the worse. What should we know about the pandemic’s effects on couples and families moving forward? What changes should we make to remain grounded in our relationships? 

Many of us are still living with unprocessed trauma

Imagine you are being chased by a lion. As soon as you are aware of the threat, your body kicks into the fight, flight, or freeze state, increasing adrenaline and cortisol levels, raising your heart rate, and pushing you to either run away, fight off the lion, or completely shut down. As soon as the threat disappears (let’s say you outrun the lion), your body returns to a state of safety. This is the stress response cycle, and for most of us, we move through these states fluidly throughout any given day. For extended periods of time during the pandemic, however, our bodies were stuck in a biological state of stress response. It was lions and tigers and bears 24/7. We were constantly inundated with threats to our safety, and stress that could not be regulated has now become chronic. Unless we process the trauma of the pandemic, it will continue to affect our physical health (chronic pain is a common effect), mental health (depression, anxiety, and PTSD are common effects), and our relationships. 

On the surface, many couples may be facing increased distress, including communication issues, sexual challenges, and/or patterns of conflict, but under the surface, one or both partners may actually be experiencing the ripple effects of trauma related to the pandemic. When our bodies are dysregulated, we have trouble seeking and giving connection. A trauma-informed therapist can help you and your partner unpack the physical and emotional manifestations of the trauma of the past year in order to understand the underpinnings of your conflict and establish peace.

We can’t lose sight of compassion and empathy

Also, as we face the destruction and pain around us, it is easy to feel that our “compassion tanks” are beginning to run on empty. We are drained by the sheer number of causes that warrant our attention. Many of us respond to this feeling of emptiness by either turning away from our partners - shutting them out and closing off - or by seeking exorbitant amounts of connection - asking for more than our partners can give and acting with emotional reactivity. Conflict often ensues because we both need different things - either more or less love - to feel safe. Moreover, these anxious or avoidant responses are often rooted in the childhood survival strategies that we learned in our families of origin.

    So what can we do about the ripple effects of the pandemic on our relationships?

You may feel stuck in this repetitious cycle of mismatched expectations, unmet needs, and distorted ways of communicating. It may feel impossible to break away from this new pattern of relating to one another. However, help and resolution exists. When we are aware of our own backgrounds - and the backgrounds of our partners - we can have compassion and empathy for their style of connecting during times of stress. Working with a couples therapist can help you investigate how your histories may be affecting your relationship. Couples therapy can help you refill that compassion tank and move forward with a greater understanding of each other. 

The pandemic has undoubtedly transformed our lives and caused great grief, struggle, and pain. It can feel hard - if not impossible - to move forward, especially in a relationship or family. With the help of a mental health professional, we can uncover our histories, tune into our bodies, and understand our styles of relating and forge a path forward that is brighter.

If you are interested in taking the first step towards healing, click here to schedule a 15 minute consultation with our client concierge to learn more about Repose’s offerings.