How to Facilitate Healthy Communication in Times of Conflict

Navigating relationships can be challenging. While connection and understanding are key to forming a secure bond, it takes healthy communication to achieve this. But what does healthy communication look like? How can we create intimacy and connection between ourselves and our partners? In relationships, we strive to build emotional, intellectual, physical, experiential, and spiritual bonds. Communication is essential to achieving these forms of intimacy.

During times of conflict, communication can either be a debate or a dialogue. In a debate, the focus is on being right, proving the other side wrong, and assuming. It becomes a win or lose situation, with counter-arguments prevailing. In contrast, dialogue focuses on collaborative conflict resolution by exploring common ground, listening to understand, reevaluating assumptions, and looking for new options.

Communication can be passive, assertive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive. We should strive for assertive communication, as it allows for the best conflict resolution. It does this by not automatically placing the blame on someone else, which would cause defensiveness. Assertive communication uses phrases such as "I feel (emotion)," "When x happens/happened (focus on the facts of the event)," and "I would need (state emotional behavior needed to move forward)."

Engaging in active/reflective/empathetic listening is just as important as assertive communication because it gives your partner a sense that you genuinely care to hear them out. Active listening is different from just listening because it ensures that you are fully present in the conversation. Here are some blocks to listening: comparing, mind reading, rehearsing, filtering, judging, dreaming, identifying, advising, sparring, being right, derailing, and placating. Removing these behaviors while communicating as best as we can can be beneficial because it allows you and your partner to be heard and eventually more understood. Examples of phrases you may use or hear instead of falling into a block are: "It sounds like you were feeling..." "It seems like that was difficult, confusing, hard, etc." and "Let me make sure I have this right. You..."

While disagreeing is healthy and conflict is normal, it's important to assess the conflict and know how much is too much. In order to keep this in mind, focus on the 3 Rs: rare (how frequent it should be), recognized (did both parties see the problem at hand), and reconciled (was there an agreement). **This does not encompass all relationships, especially those that are abusive in nature.

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