Guilty All The Time? Knowing the Difference Between Earned & Unearned Guilt

Crippled with a feeling of guilt over every little thing? Want to set a boundary but feel like you can’t? Let’s talk about unearned guilt. 

Guilt is the emotion we feel when we act against our own moral standards. Guilt is a feeling that we experience when we act against “moral” standards. Sometimes these standards are our own, and sometimes they are societally imposed. Guilt, like all feelings and emotions, is a response to our beliefs/thoughts.This occurs in relation to our internal value system.

Guilt oftentimes can serve to be a positive and functional emotion, as it guides us to stay in alignment with our moral compass and allows our internal world to remain congruent. 

However, one major distinction to make with the emotion of guilt is to determine whether it is earned or unearned. We may feel guilty often, but does that mean we have earned the guilt every single time? Earned guilt is the rational emotional experience that follows when we violate our own moral values. Unearned guilt is the emotional experience that follows when we violate irrational moral standards or values. Earned guilt may be experienced when we lie or steal. Unearned guilt may be experienced when our loved ones emotionally blackmail us. For example: your parents tell you that you “owe” them respect because they raised you when you try to express a boundary. Unearned guilt can be deeply crippling, and often inhibits folks from expressing their needs, setting expectations or establishing boundaries. 

Here are three things to consider if this is an experience you often have: 

Whenever you experience a sense of guilt, first ask yourself “what am I feeling guilty for?” We want to be able to define the guilt and sense of responsibility we are feeling and putting on ourselves. If you cannot clearly articulate what is causing this guilt, there’s a good chance that you may be taking on unearned guilt. 

Try to identify YOUR values. Your values are different than those of your parents, your siblings, your peers, the society you exist in. A lot of them might be the same, but a lot of them will also be different. Try this exercise to see what you value most. Now, try to live in accordance with this value system - so you can come back to “self”. 

Don’t confuse boundaries with selfishness. We often feel guilty with even the thought of setting a boundary. “But they will feel so bad if I don’t see them for dinner” “I have to respond to this text immediately, otherwise I am a bad friend”. Sound familiar? We are all entitled to personal solitude, and sometimes we need to set a gentle boundary in order to attain that. Boundaries not only help YOU, but also help the relationship you are setting a boundary in. See boundary setting as serving the purpose of preserving the friendship/relationship rather than hurting it. For example: You say yes every time your friend asks you to come out, Monday through Friday you are there when they call you. Not setting a boundary will result in you draining yourself emotionally and financially - eventually resulting in you not being able to see them at all OR being emotionally drained in your relationship with them. Setting a boundary allows you to be intentional in your friendship, enjoy the time you spend together, and sustain the relationship. CONNECT WITH US to learn more about anxiety THERAPY.